Why do I still attack myself if the abuse is over?

You were allocated the role of family scapegoat and experienced forced community exile. You’ve had to extract yourself from the toxic family system for your survival.  Even though you’re free from the bullying externally - it still lives on inside your head.  

Mainstream might call this an Inner Critic - you know it to be an Inner Bully - vicious, scathing, repeating the same phrases from your abusers like a broken record such as ‘You’ll never make anything of yourself’, ‘You’re hurting us’, ‘You don’t know your own mind’, ‘You’re so ugly/ stupid’. 

You can’t imagine what life would be like without this inner cacophony, because there’s no escape - daytime, nighttime, work time, down time. 

You can travel to a five star Maldives resort - it makes no difference because where you go, your Inner Bully follows.  

Despite the time, effort, and energy you’ve poured into your healing over the years, the Inner Bully remains steadfast and stubborn like a reflex the body refuses to unlearn.  You wonder why.  

Self doubt creeps in - ‘my abuse must be extraordinarily bad, nobody has had it as bad as me, there must be something really really wrong with me, why can’t I heal this?’ 

It’s not you, it’s the system. 

Having tormentors and bullies in your life who also happen to be your parents is taboo and not a topic that even professionals have fully grasped. 

How could you be expected to be free from it?

Some of the things you’ve probably tried are: 

EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique or tapping).    

EFT is no match for your Inner Bully who will argue a strong case when you recite the script that you ‘deeply love and accept yourself’.  EFT is designed for emotional triggers.  And emotional triggers are surface level when it comes to the Inner Bully.   

Talk Therapy 

You understand somewhat where the Inner Bully comes from, that it’s a trauma response, the painful cost in your life and you can visualise all the benefits of healing this.  You can dissect it ten more layers deep with the determination and motivation of an Olympic athlete to unfortunately zero lasting healing impact.   

Affirmations 

Examples such as  ‘It’s safe for me to succeed’.  ‘I am loved and loveable’ and ‘Every day and in every way I am getting stronger and healthier’ or variations of these don’t heal the Inner Bully.  You could repeat these a thousand times a day and cover your whole fridge with them but they can’t over ride when your Inner Bully makes you feel like you’re a bad person who doesn’t deserve to be here.  

Talking back to the Inner Bully 

This one’s exhausting and it mirrors what you tried with your original abusers and that didn’t work. Reasoning, justifying, pleading, explaining and trying to ‘pull yourself together’ doesn’t create long term change.  The Inner Bully is waiting for you to communicate with it in a way that it can hear.  

Meditation 

A regular meditation practice will quieten the Inner Bully but if your practice lapses for any reason, your Inner Bully will be waiting for you in the wings.  Meditation provides surface calm whilst the complex trauma of your Inner Bully remains untouched.  

These tools whilst all invaluable in so many ways are unfortunately incomplete for the specific complexity of family scapegoating abuse. 

It’s not because you didn’t try hard enough that your Inner Bully is still vocal. 

Your Inner Bully formed in early childhood as a response to the sustained attack and lack of empathy from primary care givers. 

It’s a very niche form of childhood trauma and the route to healing requires working with specific areas of your nervous system with a very precise approach. 

When you free the Inner Bully from its thankless role, you feel like a wrongly accused prisoner being released from jail - relief, freedom, autonomy and the chance to finally live your life as you i.e. no longer hijacked by cruel inner thoughts.  

From my own research, study and lived experience this healing work emerged and I've supported many clients in transforming their relationship with their Inner Bully.

When your Inner Bully knows it's safe to down tools you free up so much life force energy and that is life changing.

My new 3 module self study online course titled ‘Healing the Inner Bully’ launches mid-December.  Join the early access list below.