Growing up without permission to be yourself

Identity formation in Dysfunctional Families

When you grow up in a dysfunctional family you’re not given free rein to form your own identity.  Your identity is imposed. You’re told who you are.

The family scapegoat tends to be a bright spark with independent thought.  They don’t like to be told how to think or what to think.  

In a toxic family system conformity is essential because the elders are trying to keep the lid closed on generations of unprocessed trauma.  

A curious intuitive child risks exposing all the skeletons in the closet. 

In order to keep homeostasis the elders will squash the natural tendencies of the child. The scapegoat child is targeted and bullied providing the family with a place to deposit all their pent up pain.  

The scapegoat is repeatedly told they’re someone they’re not: 

“You're too sensitive” 

“No one else has this issue but you” 

“There’s something wrong with you”

The natural personality of the child cannot shine through and they develop a false self or false identity. 

To survive an environment they are completely powerless to change, the child must resolve the cognitive dissonance. They do this by concluding they are wrong or bad, while the parents are “doing their best” and “trying to help.”

Shame takes root.  

Adulthood arrives. 

The survival identity continues.  The shame permeates every area of life. 

With some distance from the toxic family the adult scapegoat can begin healing. 

They’ll question everything. 

They’ll see that the survival strategies they had to take on as a child are crippling their adult life. 

Fawning with authority means you get left behind in the corporate ladder. 

Visibility fears are extremely costly to your salary. 

Feeling unworthy and dimming your light has zero benefits to your dating life. 

So, how do you restore your identity after family scapegoating abuse? 

It’s a lifelong practice of maintenance, a bit like brushing your teeth.  

It’s processing, understanding, learning, integrating.  

It’s developing capacity to be with grief, anger, pain, heartache, loss, fear, and existential alone-ness.  

It’s courage, tenacity, patience, perseverance, hope and self compassion. 

It's the unglamorous work of tending to the young child parts of yourself who are probably waiting for the good version of mom and dad to appear.  

It's letting go of the survival strategies behind the false adapted self.   

It's learning to fully accept and acknowledge yourself without ever having had that modelled to you from the primary caregivers. 
It's developing your own secure attachment and inner safety with yourself. 

Adults have hindsight, education and (in most cases) choice.

Adults can allows themselves know truths that would have been intolerable to know as a child. 

The past can be healed from, one step at a time, one day at a time. Identity restoration requires working at the conscious and subconscious level.  

You are not a bad person. 

You are not the problem child. 

You are not selfish or cruel. 

You are nothing they say you are - because they don’t know you. 

If you grew up in a healthy family you'd have been celebrated, accepted, supported and cherished. 

You deserve to know your true self and to live with a peaceful mind.

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About the Author 

Mary Toolan is the founder of Scapegoat Child Recovery Ltd.  She works with adults healing from family scapegoating abuse. Her work focuses on restoring identity and self-trust after growing up in dysfunctional family systems.