"Healing happens in Relationship" - I disagree

There’s a narrative circulating the healing space that says,

"If the trauma happened in relationship then the healing must happen in relationship.”

This never sat well with me because I personally know it to be untrue.  

The family scapegoat suffers an inordinate amount of relational trauma.  Both their parents entrain siblings and wider family to reject and ostracise them.  The abuse includes being stripped of any and all allies.

It’s one of the most extreme forms of psychological and emotional abuse a human can endure.  

The victim’s world contracts and is filled with fear. 

It’s incredibly isolating. 

Some scapegoat survivors do land an amazing therapist or supportive spouse which can be incredibly healing.  

And whilst having access to a safe other is extremely beneficial, the idea that one must “heal in relationship” doesn’t paint the full picture for scapegoat survivors and risks isolating them even further.  

For some, recovery is more of a solo journey and the level of healing obtainable on this lone wolf path shouldn’t be underestimated. 

Scapegoat survivors do well to understand that this taboo abuse is not widely recognised or researched, hence more mainstream thinking and interventions are incomplete.  

For example: “healing happens in relationship" implies no human ever experiences abuse and betrayal from all the adults, it presupposes that a person had at least one safe-enough adult, it assumes that you were allowed to develop some foundation of an identity and selfhood.  

It fails to consider a frazzled traumatised mind that can’t help but spin into paranoia turning safe people into conspirators.  It disregards the internal mindgames and shame spirals the scapegoat suffers from. 

“Healing happens in relationship” requires minimum viable levels of self trust, trust of others and trust in life which many scapegoat abuse survivors simply don’t have, through no fault of their own. 

Thus, the message may cause a recovering scapegoat to conclude:  

“Nobody understands me.”

“I don’t have the energy anymore to try to explain this” or even 

“This doesn’t work for me, I must be damaged beyond repair.”

In my own recovery journey from family scapegoating abuse, I worked with many experienced therapists, I showed up, I did the work but it wasn’t quite the complete package to unlock the liberation I sought.  There were pieces missing, and I was determined and motivated to find out what they were. 

It led me down a self study path from the best in the trauma field where I brought together key elements of multiple trauma modalities.  

This subsequently led to me sharing what I knew with others. Indeed, my newest body of work is a series of self study programs for No Contact Scapegoat Survivors designed to fill the gap and based on what I needed and would have loved to have access to. 

Despite being chronically under-recognised and underserved, the family scapegoat is often more prepared for a solo healing path than they realise.

The very conditions that forced them into No Contact also produced rare capacities - resilience, insight, emotional intelligence, self-reliance and a level of inner strength that most people never develop. It makes a solo healing journey a natural continuation of the path they’ve already walked.

With grounded guidance and the right tools they can go the whole way - reclaiming their agency, restoring their dignity and building unshakeable self-trust.