The Backlash of Being Seen
Why your Inner Bully gets louder when you show up
Prefer to listen? You can hear me read this article above.
For family scapegoat survivors, when it comes to that cruel inner voice (the one that got installed by the dysfunctional family system when you were a child) there is a way through and what’s on the other side is definitely worth it.
So let’s rewind a bit.
That old chestnut “Who do you think you are?” is a line delivered with venom and disdain to many a family scapegoat.
I’m sure you can write a list from here till Sunday filled with all the other shaming statements that came your way throughout your childhood. Things like:
You think you’re better than us
That’s not for someone like you
What will they think of you?
Inside your head you can hear the cackling laughter - it’s mean, vicious and spiteful.
Their comments don’t just wash over you.
The family scapegoat is left with a raging Inner Bully who internally repeats all the vitriol that it heard in childhood, like a broken record.
Now you’re bullying yourself and without intervention this can be set in stone for life.
For a long time, that voice keeps you small.
There comes a point when you have more resources to be able to liberate yourself from the restraints of your upbringing.
You have more awareness of your patterns and you’re determined to move past them.
You want to and need to “put yourself out there” in a way you’ve never dared to before.
This is the moment your Inner Bully turns up the heat. “Not so fast” it says, looking suspiciously at you and the moves you’re about to make.
The Inner Bully will pipe up with things like - what’s the point in trying? That won’t work. It will show you times in the past where things have gone wrong - it will fill you with fear, dread and brain fog that will make it extremely difficult to take action.
This is the backlash that comes with being seen.
Your family of origin didn’t allow your full self. They allowed a controlled version of you.
It was stifling but the early programming is still there.
When you decide to go beyond that version in your adult life it’s like an inner thermostat goes off.
The Inner Bully activates and gets louder because you’ve triggered old survival wiring.
Perhaps your business is moving into a new level of visibility, your voice is reaching further and your work becoming more public, but something is stalling.
Increased visibility for a family scapegoat survivor can be devastatingly triggering.
If your system hasn’t fully integrated this new level of visibility, the Inner Bully will continue to work overtime.
Moving on past all this difficult terrain involves breaking free from the unconscious loyalty tied to your origin family.
Even though the role of the family scapegoat is oppressive and abusive, a desire to be free from it, isn’t the same as the ability to be free from it.
Who am I outside the narrative I was given?
Who am I beyond the adapted self I had to become in childhood?
Healing the Inner Bully brings the answers to these questions.
There is a powerful growth opportunity here: to claim your true self.
To stop orienting around the perpetrators - trying to endlessly understand their wounds, their motivations and their patterns.
To advocate for yourself and what you deserve.
To allow ease, calm, and stability in your life.
When you’re taking big strides forward the Inner Bully will wake up.
This is not a sign to obey it and bury your head in the sand.
It’s a sign that you’re ready to separate from your earliest scapegoat survival wiring and begin acting from who you are now, not who you had to be.
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About the Author
Mary Toolan is the founder of Scapegoat Child Recovery Ltd.
She works with high-functioning adults who were cast as the family scapegoat and are now navigating life after No Contact, or actively working towards it.
Her work helps people untangle the attachment trauma and identity conditioning shaped by family scapegoating, so they can build a calmer, more self-directed life.
👉 Join her live class: Healing the Inner Bully (April 22nd)
